Mason-
When I took the test ...the test...that told me I what I'd waited to hear, that I was pregnant, something in me knew I was carrying a boy. As you wriggled, constantly moving, inside my belly, I tried to gauge your personality and dreamed of what you'd look like. Today I know one thing- I never could have imagined a boy like you.
One year ago I could never have known the joy and the struggles I'd face in the early days of your life. I experienced heights and depths those first months and there were times I couldn't recognize myself through the anxiety fog that gripped me. With the help of Daddy and Grams and the love of my beautiful kids, the fog lifted and I was able to finally enjoy the most beautiful little boy I'd ever seen.
While other mothers with kids your age were sleeping soundly through the night, you woke every two hours the first 4 months and then every three hours until just a few weeks ago. Never once did I begrudge having to get up to nurse you , soothe you or simply give the cuddles you needed. The way you snuggled into my chest and fell back to sleep brought me something that sleep never could. There is something medicinal in cozying up with a sweetly snoring baby in the darkness.
The phrase " mama's boy" has been in my mind since I first saw you. Across the room, you were being weighed and poked and prodded while I , numb and doped up on pain meds, watched from my hospital bed. Even through your fuzzy newborn vision, your eyes locked mine. From that day it was apparent that you loved your mommy more than a belly full of milk. I feel honored to be the apple of your eye. I hope these years that your mine will build a relationship that is strong and close but that when it's time, and I see you looking adoringly at someone else, I will be able to forfeit my spot at the top .
And despite your adoration for me, my heart bursts when you see your daddy and your arms flail and you lunge toward him.He will lead you down the road towards manhood and what a great example he is. I can't wait for the day that you realize just how amazing he is and to see the three of you heading off on adventures or knee deep in projects.
My greatest wish is that you'll always look at your sister with the adoration that you have now. While she's the first to grab your toy when you aren't paying attention, she's also the one who soothes you when you cry and brings out your best belly laughs. She'll be your best friend but getting there means she might be an "enemy" from time to time.
I've always described you as the happiest of babies 98% of the time. When you're mad you mean it and anyone in a three block radius will know it. I pray that you carry this passion with you. That the certainty in your emotions won't ever be shoved down, but that you'll embrace them and truly feel them.
Now you're on the cusp - still a baby but not far from being a toddler. I see sheer determination on your face as you press on to conquer each new milestone. May you always feel that drive and let it guide you towards success at what makes your heart happy. Today , it's sneaking to the top of the stairs before someone sees and snatches you up; before we know it, you'll be pushing for even great heights in schooling and careers.
You've changed me in ways that I can't express. You've forced me to deal with parts of myself that I avoided and because of that, I can love you and your sister and daddy with out being tethered to my anxieties so much. You've shown me that, though things don't always follow my agenda, when they don't, I will be ok and that somethings turn out better when left to happen as they will.
When your sister was born, I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone more than I did her. I thought it'd be unfair to have another child because there was a chance that I might not be capable of loving it as fully as I do Mackenzie. Today, I can tell you that you've tripled my hearts capacity. I love you, Mason Boy!
Mason's first year in pictures ( don't forget to adjust your volume)
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