Unimaginable

My heart continues to beat. My children play peacefully together in the other room and I can hear Mason giggling at Mackenzie's antics. I breath in and breath out, willing the tears to stay away. I know that if Mack sees them, she will want to know what's wrong and I just can't muster the brain power to come up with a logical excuse. But with my every effort I will spare her. I will preserve her innocence. I will let her little heart rest on the idea that the world is safe, full of good people -"friends" , as is everyone in her preschool class. I swallow my tears, pushing them down and keep moving.

But if I let my mind wander. If it sneaks to the darkest region of my brain. If ,for one second, I place myself in the shoes of those parents who lost their children in a horrific shooting at school, my heart might continue beating but only in broken fragments. My mind will continue to try and figure out WHY even when all I want is for it to shut down... If it were my child, I wouldn't have the strength to life one foot and place it in front of the other. What if it were my children.....

Someone took those kids. Took their innocence, took their freedom. Took their lives. And I cannot force myself to imagine what that pain is like. And though I know that this blog may go unread by anyone affected by this unimaginable tragedy, I write this for them. Not to say I understand. I can't. I pray I never have to. But to let them know that, as a parent- as a human being- as someone who grew my precious babies with in my body, hoping nothing but the very fullest lives for them, that I'm so, so sorry. And that , while your babies were robbed from you, I will hold mine a little tighter, just like you would do if you could. I pray for peace for you. I pray that memory of your children will live forever in the hearts of those who loved them and in the hearts of those of us who never knew th,but that they may serve as a reminder of how quickly life can change.